how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
