so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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