Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
