My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I am midnight drunk by noon
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
