Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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