hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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