you turned your livingroom into a bong?
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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