Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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