And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
