what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
