This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
