If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
