shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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