So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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