I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
