we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
