Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
