please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
