if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
