You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
