Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
