I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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