I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
