Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
