If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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