If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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