"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
