a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
