i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
