if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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