Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
