I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
my being single is dangerous.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
