My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
