I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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