he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
