My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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