My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
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