He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
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