i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
