it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
