i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
