How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
