so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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