Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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