you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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