He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
