all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I still have a little drunk in my system
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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