Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
