is your mom at the bar?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
