im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
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I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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