when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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