i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
