my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
