I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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