Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I faked an abortion last night.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
