Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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