seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
