When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
