just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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