just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
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